by Martha June

Each time I allow my thoughts to wander back to Nicaragua, my mind’s eye goes to this school courtyard.

I lived and worked in Nicaragua for 72 days after graduating High School. And most of that time was spent here.

In short, I learned the meaning of dependance. I had nothing to give, truly, except what Christ provided in my time of need. Character qualities I had memorized about Jesus, became true heart knowledge. I felt as if the Lord became a friend. Even so, I experienced pain, loneliness, struggle, embarrassment (lots of embarrassment!) In tandem with joy, peace, and victory. I saw with my own eyes answered prayer, and God’s fingerprints everywhere. But I still wondered, even years after the fact, but was God there? I had moments when I knew he was, but loneliness tried to convince me otherwise.

It sounds silly to say because I cognitively knew, without a shadow of a doubt God was working. But I doubted if he was there. Did he feel my pain?

Years later, I thought about the courtyard once again. Imagining this time it was empty; quiet. (Something I rarely experienced) In the middle stood a tree, with a bench underneath, shaded totally by the sun. Over the years I had pictured myself sitting there; alone. But this time I saw Jesus standing next to the bench, smiling. He was there, I was just unaware of his proximity.

When I was little, my mom always told me to imagine Jesus with his hands outstretch, and myself placing every burden and worry into his hand. She told me to watch as they were enclosed in his palm, and trust they would be safe there.

Picturing Jesus in that courtyard had the same effect.

This past March, seven years later, I found myself again in Nicaragua. Only this time I didn’t travel alone, with me were a group of High School Seniors. 18 years old, just as I was all those years ago. It was a gift to go on that trip with them, and see the country through their eyes, and with new eyes. This time I felt the Lord’s proximity overwhelmingly in every detail of every day. I was back in that courtyard on that same bench – a different person.

Why do I share such an obscure story? Because I often “go back” and walk the old trails of years past – the mistakes I’ve made, the fear I’ve felt, the faith I have lacked. There are past experienced I have wondered, was God there? Did he feel my pain? Did he know the weight I carried? And years later, down the road (a ways down sometimes) I find he was. Because I come to find I know a piece of his heart I would have never know without those experiences.

How about you? Do you ever wonder or doubt the proximity of God? If he was present in your most painful moments?

I have found myself wondering, even in present day, even when I see God’s hand, is he here with me? Or is he just orchestrating everything far away from me?

This week I have been reminded of God’s closeness, of God’s care, and of his perfect hand on my life. Just as I felt a shift upon my return to Nicaragua.

Here are two reminders for you (and for me) as we finish out June. First, feelings are fickle. Just because you don’t feel the Lord does not mean he his not there . After all, the Bible says in James 1 that God does not “change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17) as our feelings do. Second, God knows the plan, even has the plan for your life. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11) As a child I always trusted my parents to lead the way on a trip, and carry the weight of it. I never once worried that I wouldn’t be taken care of or that we wouldn’t reach our final destination. Why then is it so hard to trust the Lord with the road map for my life?

I realize that in order to change, it may be as simple as picturing every precious thing, past and future, in the hands of Jesus.

(Something I was just reminded of by a friend)

Will you allow him to be in your past and direct your future?

Sincerely,

Martha June