by Martha June

My life has looked chaotic for three years now. It has been full and busy almost completely. The chaos has consisted of working as much as I can, doing online school full time, and spending what remaining hours I have playing catch up on homework. I did not mind it much at first. This is what college looks like for many people. I worked through family vacations, short trips, and every summer I enrolled in one class.

I did all of this because I wanted to finish “on time” and I wanted to prove I could do this college student and working life. I wanted to prove that I was someone strong enough to maintain this pace and still make good grades. I wanted to prove any negative voice I listened to in the past wrong.

Three years of this life accumulated on February 10, 2021.

It was a Wednesday night, and approximately 16 degrees in the Midwest. I was sitting on the couch in the living room, trying to conjure up a rough draft for a research paper due in 24 hours. I think it was eight pages. A Hallmark movie was playing on the T.V.  I was procrastinating, and a fire was slowly burning in the fireplace.

I registered movement behind me, and recognized my sister and brother were leaving for work.

My mom, their driver, called to me on the way out the door.  My distracted mind momentarily processed what she said: “Just don’t let the fire die!” Then she was gone.

Twenty minutes later, my eyes looked up from the laptop screen to see the fire dying.

Flustered, I put the laptop to the side and walked to the fireplace.

The dying fire got me thinking about life as I walked to it. I felt very similarly to that fire.

The moment I saw the coals, I sensed a connection between my heart and the fire. God was trying to tell me something.

I heard God whisper, “Martha, just don’t let the fire die!”

Immediately I knew that the fire in question was not the fire in front of me. God was using this moment to force me to look within, at the heart I had ignored.

The signs were obvious, if I had taken but a moment to look at them. Likely they were obvious to everyone but me.

I have been so tired.

“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:25

I had confused my dreams, my purpose, and my path.

At some point I had decided that achievement was to be my most important focus. I needed to just finish.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.” John 10:10

Pushing these thoughts aside, I decided to tackle the fire at hand. Placing two logs in, I began blowing on the coals trying to regenerate the heat trapped inside.

Why won’t it catch?

The fruit of my effort was smoke, and some crackling. The wood was wet, and after some minutes of blowing and stirring the coals, I went back to the couch, content to let the fire die.

Just don’t let the fire die!

This thought kept nagging at me. I could not focus on anything else.

Picking myself back up, I moved towards the coals once again, and reaching for the poker I began moving the logs and the coals, blowing fervently to concentrate the heat once more. The results were the same.

A small flame would burst forth, but the fire always died shortly thereafter. Clearly, something was suffocating its air supply.

Walking back to the couch, frustrated, and becoming overheated, I picked up my laptop again and tried to ignore the hearth growing colder by the second.

Just don’t let the fire die!

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9

Hearing footstep behind me, I look to find my dad walking into the room.

In desperation I say, “Any chance you can get this fire going? I have tried everything!”

The dying fire in front of me isn’t the only thing nagging at me. It is the status of my heart.

Taking a look at the hearth he said, “Well, you needed to start with kindling, not more logs…these logs are hard to catch.”

I caught the drift.

You can’t start a fire all at once. You have to start small.

“Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin, to see the plumb line in Zerubbabel’s hand.” Zechariah 4:10 (NLT)

He then began the work of reigniting the coals by placing kindling on the fire and stirring the coals; coaxing them to catch. They caught with a little bit of encouragement. And the fire burns after everyone had gone to sleep.

The lesson was as clear as day.

Instead of forging ahead alone, I needed to be frustrated enough, be desperate enough, to ask for my Father’s help.

All of the doing, and trying to be, and “becoming” has taken its toll. All of the working through vacations and forcing myself to create something. A life, or truthfully just wanting to prove that I can do this. Whether my “this” is college or anything else I had deemed important for my growth. The hamster wheel gets you nowhere, just back to where you started. And if you’re like me, completely burnt out.

I had to acknowledge that I was trying to prove something impossible; that I could do all this alone.

“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever– the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him. for he lives in you and will be in you.” John 14:16-17

Just don’t let the fire die!

There is a lesson to be learned in the fact that fire is used for fuel. It is powerful enough to get you going in the right direction. I do not think it was a coincidence that God chose fire to be what resembles his Spirit, when he gave it to his disciples at Pentecost.

So please, don’t let your fire, your fire for God, the fire of the Holy Spirit, suffocate and die in your heart. There may be a time when you need Him, and your heart will be nothing but cold. Or maybe you will realize He was never there to begin with. Achievement is a poor substitute for the things that really matter. Somewhere there has to be a balance.

But if you start small, feeding the fire with prayer and scripture, one day that fire will no longer struggle to stay lit. It will burn with vigor for the Lord and catch others up in its path.

Be encouraged that our hope, our rest, our healing, and our direction are all found in one place.

In the person of Jesus Christ.

Sincerely,

@legitmj

P.S.

I am finishing out this semester and taking a break from school for a time. It is time for me to rest.